“Don’t compare your life to others .There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon . They shine when it’s their time”
I think it’s been a while since the last time I wrote in here I got caught up in so many things happening and so many changes in me since then . I just haven’t been able to sit down to sum up everything into words .
Things really picked up so fast and I wasn’t expecting to experience all that I had during that time frame. It all exploded in front of me and I had no choice but to run with it .
These past two months have been life changing for me . Going out on my own to workshops where I would push myself to be alone to use my own social skills to communicate. I took on the challenge of interacting with strangers without someone familiar to shyly hide behind. I even actively made plans to spend time with ppl I never hung out with before.
I tried to focus on being genuine and humble hoping to allow people to accept and like me for who I truly am . I met and connected with so many amazing people who have taught me so much and brought so much into my life. I’m comfortable with myself but it’s still taking me time when it comes to being in ppl’s presence and not letting thoughts get in the way with wondering if ppl truly cherish my company . As much as they confirm things with me , my weakness is still my self doubt .
My presence and company can be so simple sometimes that often I wonder what truly makes ppl enjoy it and what about it that makes them want to keep me around or see me again . I guess that’s the problem when you meet such crazy talented and interesting ppl , that you begin to underestimate yourself , constantly questioning yourself till you break apart.
I wish I knew what those things were and being able to clearly see them in me. Usually in these situations , I either hide away being consumed in such dark thoughts or I desperately find distractions until it exhausts me to avoid such thoughts to enter my mind .
Things have once again begun to slow and quiet down. However I don’t want to let these moments to allow me to make those same mistakes again as much as they are making me go through the same emotions and feelings in my heart, as easy as it is to just let everything swallow me whole . Things must change and I know it has to start here.
In the past when things slowed down like this , it would cause me to feel insecure . I would have seen it as something negative and question myself if I did something wrong or I wasn’t good enough. I then get all depressed and often encounter those feelings of loneliness and self doubt , allowing them to completely consume me and poison me .
I’m trying to fight that and approach things a little different this time. With this occurring several times over the years of my life and becoming more self aware , Im beginning to see a pattern.
I’m working to place this in a whole new perspective because I don’t want to stay in this toxic cycle anymore . It’s really been holding me back in a very negative way and also eats away at me . I end up using a lot of energy and time to recover from it all and by that time , I don’t have anything left to use to improve and the cycle will start again.
I followed my gut feeling of turning to writing as an outsource and it’s been super helpful so I can spread my thoughts out . This was a good move for me because it allows me to analyze my thoughts.
I’m starting to see this sudden transition as a time for self reflection and thorough thought . Life giving me the chance to pause and recharge, to focus back on myself and see where I could make myself and things better before everything all starts up again.
I no longer will dread when this time hits , just like the sun and moon, they have their right moments. I gotta be patient instead , waiting for my turn to come back out and shine again .